Issue #99
This week’s Tribune boasts several reader submissions. The Tribune is happy that more pilots are taking an interest in our publication, and offers its thanks to all of those proactive readers who submitted stories this week.
However, this was also an insanely busy war week, and the Tribune’s attempts to balance the two sides failed miserably. After much internal debate, we decided that Lancel does detailed war coverage far better than we could ever dream, and so will only provide an overview for the sake of posterity.
The Building That Ate Caged Theory (Vashniir, Tribune Reader)
One day, Caged Theory was meandering along, as he was prone to do, when he spotted a simple Medlab floating peacefully near a backwater planet. “Oh, lookie here! I think I’ma moonlight as a Pirate and rob this poor sucka blind!”
Witnesses would later claim they saw Theory’s ship simply implode. Others say Theory had smoked too much Candy and mistook his Self-Destruct button for his Fire missiles button. However, Junkie Dan, who was walking around on the surface of the building in question- Vashniir’s “Pandaemonium Pharmaceuticals”- looking for discarded syringes to lick, when a strange shadow passed over him. Looking up, he saw a lone Seeker droid rise out of a compartment in the building’s side. Vashniir claims it’s more efficient than letting it perform extensive anti-pirate patrols, and it sure looks that way. In a single “round” of combat, as you youngsters would say, Caged Theory’s dubious career as a pirate was cut short in a colourful display of fiery death. Missiles were involved, but we’re not sure whose.
Vashniir claims this is a common occurrence. “Yep, each of my buildings has eaten a few newbie pirates so far. I’d like to make it clear my buildings don’t have ANYTHING OF VALUE to jack; I just got tired of Rustclaws pulling up and making off with my goods, so I bought a Droid. Or two. Anywho, now I have a bigger problem than a few noobs making off with a few tons of Meds- they keep leaving their charred underpants floating around my buildings! It’s driving off the customers- namely Junkie Dan, but I have a few others as well!”
Vashniir concluded our interview with him by stating he wished that “All you scallawags out there with more guts than brains better stop screwin’ with my buildings. If I have to VacuuSuck more pairs of pants out of space just so the tradelanes aren’t clogged with the stench of loser, I’m going to have to build more droids!”
We’re not sure how that’s going to solve his problem, but it sure sounds like he means it. Or not. It’s hard to tell with those crazy Discordians…
A Hunter’s Perspective (Fredrick Dogg, Tribune Reader)
Bounty Hunting. It’s often talked about. Some people hate the folks that pursue it. A few might even love them. The majority tend to be barely accepting of them. Much like lawyers, nobody likes it when one comes calling. But when they feel as it they have been wronged, they don’t mind feeling a little dirty and placing a contract on others. I’m not here to talk about the morality of the issue, however. I’m here to talk about what those hunters of the Deep do while they are pursuing a contract. It’s probably not what you’d expect. I hunt bounties from time to time, and I might be able to enlighten folks a bit in this matter.
Most traders fresh out of the academy probably think that bounty hunters spend all of their time scanning the data-sheets, calculating expenses, and visiting the shadier establishments planetside looking for leads. I suppose some of our time is indeed spent doing this. Unless it’s a truly tasty bounty, however, most of us don’t really do much different planetside than anyone else. We eat. We drink. We be merry. Well, maybe we do visit the shady side of town more than most pilots. I’ll give you that one. To be truly honest, however, most bounty hunting is spent alone or in small groups in space being bored. The main activity is trying to find things to do while we wait for a marked pilot to enter within range. For example…
Blackstone is a sucker for Keldonian soap operas. He tunes them in while he’s waiting for a mark, and watches them for hours…sometimes days…at a time. He’s got his favorite characters and he often will attempt to get pools going if he’s ambushing with others as to which Keldonian will cheat on someone first. The others participate in this. Not becasue they care about the shows, but because nobody really wants to break the news to him and piss him off. Although I’ll admit to have gotten into ‘Keldon’s Sunset’ a bit over the years. I like Ta’Booka, the quiet yet sensitive nurse that works at the local hospital. I’m still a little pissed off about Thardon dumping her for that lawyer bitch. I lost 50,000 on that one…And she deserves better, dammit!
Cyborg Snowman plays an old Earth game called “Tetris.” Not really sure where he found it, but he’s passed it around to a lot of the other bounty hunters and it has become kind of a favorite way for many to kill an hour or two. I hear the Reapers actually have Tetris tournaments. Cereal Killer evidently allows it, but doesn’t participate himself. Whether this is because Cereal doesn’t like the game or if it’s because he’s just too good at the game and doesn’t want to hurt the other Reaper’s feelings is unknown. For the record, Snowman is beating me 173-101 in our competetive play. I’ve won six of the last seven though! We haven’t played in awhile. Stupid war.
Thornal Malat makes prank phone calls to the inhabitants of local buildings. I’ve heard that hundreds of food delivery places have gone out of business because of his actions. Human establishments, in particular, have lost billions trying to deliver to folks named “Smokey McPot” and “Mary Jane.” They have also lost many of their human female delivery pilots. A few have been found floating in space, without their ears and with a bit of fry batter attached to them. Local authorities are puzzled.
Koma’s ambush fetish is Keldonian Mud Wrestling. He has several hundred terabytes of matches in his ship’s memory core. His favorite mud wrestler is strangely called “Marilyn Monroe”, an especially slutty competitor that wears a white outfit and short skirt who uses a finishing move known as ‘Blond Ambition’ to finish off her opponents. It involves a hair pull where she puts her opponent’s head between her thighs, picks them up, and then drops them on their head. She is the current Keldonian Mud Wrestling Federation champion.
I hear Sweetness spends her time applying makeup and nail polish. I would ask her if this is true, but since her alliance says that she will kill mine on sight, I have not done so. Besides, I’ve discovered that interrupting a woman of any species when she is putting makeup on usually results in a fight in which the male cannot hope to win. Although I usually didn’t have a stack of missiles backing me up those times…
Zardoz knits blankets while he’s sitting in his cockpit. And before you make fun of him for it…His work is freaking exceptional! The red and black wool comforter that he made me is just dammed sweet! Hell, a few of us have asked him to allow mass production under his name to sell at all WPR outlet stores. So far, he has refused. He says that would ruin the chi and balance of his creations. And I’m not about to destroy someone’s spiritual balance to make a buck. If you ever get the chance to get one of his blankets though, by all means accept!
Uber Von Hardcore paints miniatures for a small gaming company based out of Ska space. The game is called, “Human Attack!” and is very popular there. Uber has converted some of the space usually used for backup electronics to house a wide selection of paints and brushes. I’ve been told that the rest of his cockpit has a thin ion shield over it, to prevent damage if paint spills on them. Uber has been known to limit fuel on his ship in order to bring enough minis and backup supplies to ensure uninterrupted work on his part.
Myself? I personally love infomercials. I watch them constantly when ambushing. From the ‘Ska Wax that shines in an instant in one light coating!’ to the ‘Rashkir Nose Moze’ to the hilariously bad guitar offered by thay Human guy over on that Skynet channel…I just can’t get enough of them. Heck, I’ve even come close to ordering a few things on those especially long ambushes. Especially the stuff offered by the Keldons.
I think it’s interesting that of all of the thousands of holospace channels that bounty hunters have access to while finding ways to spend time to combat boredom, it’s those of the Keldonians that seem to have captured most of us into becoming loyal watchers. Maybe their programming is just that much better than what other species can offer. I’m not sure.
Oops, Keldon’s Sunset is about to start. Have fun, folks.
The Separatist War
Wow…what can be said about this war that hasn’t already. The tactics being used by both the union and the empire are absolutely astounding. For the first time since some clever pilot discovered squadrons, they are being used almost primarily in the fight for control for entire sectors. This has depleted a great deal of resources in both the empire and the Union, and while the Empire continues to consistently win individual engagements, Union squadron specialists are beginning to emerge and wreak havoc upon imperial locales.
This week saw the fall of Heze as Union squadrons swarmed the sector. Procyon also fell, but the Union presence was swiftly ousted by the Imperials. Currently, news from the front reports that NN series missiles are once again scarce and that the damage dealt to base squadrons will take months to heal.
The Federation certainly has been opportunistic thus far as well, striking the Imperials when and where they are least expected. The full weight of the federation has not yet fallen behind war, however. If that happens, the Empire is in some serious trouble, because without squadrons to defend their territory…well…the feds and their allies would have free reign.
For full coverage, please see Lancel’s stellar coverage located here
The Tiacken Tribune Presents! (Tribune Staff)
40 - Draumleitir — One of the most famous Doomstars in Pardus, Draumleitir was a long time member of the Free Trade Syndicate until he joined Extinction Agenda together with his brother-in-arms Anfauglir. Now, the two doomstar pilots seem to have an unofficial contest regarding who can kill more of…well…everything. They are also a scary scary tandem ambush to run up against.
39 - Lord Dad — If Welt is the face of FTS, then Lord Dad sure as hell is their backbone. Lord Dad has been part of FTS for as long as anyone can imagine and has done an incredible job of running this behemoth. Lord Dad has achieved the really admirable feat of achieving transparency in the huge FTS alliance treasure and basically runs Andexa completely on his own (or uses his FTS slaves to do it).
Lord Dad is further one of the great builders of the universe, having basically all of his building at LvL 12+.
38 - Brackard — One of the original true visionaries of Pardus, Brackard left FHA to found the Tiacken Slave Traders, where he toiled with his followers to build the desperate populations of class D planets. Brackard can boast taking two class D planets (Zirr and Lahola II) into the galactic top 20 list, organizing and effectively running the alliance with the largest credit/member ratio in the history of pardus, and being one of the only admirals ever to be defeated in under 20 rounds in his doomstar. After all, while Brackard is one of the universe’s great sector planners…that didn’t do much for his combat skills. Brackard is also the originator of the Tiacken Tribune.
Though the Tribune’s torch has been passed, and TST disbanded, Brackard is still a force to be reckoned with.
37 - Eldrioth — Eldrioth is arguably one of if not the greatest bounty hunter of Pardus. Contrary to his competitors for the spot, Eldrioth usually makes a point of only collecting bounties that were placed by the governments of the factions. Further, Eldrioth is definitely the bounty hunter that has collected the most building bounties, as can be quickly seen from a glance on his GNN news. Eldrioth garners additional fame for being confused way too often with me, the editor of this fine periodical.
36 - Krzysiek — Some say that Krzysiek cannot be killed, he can only be encouraged to not attack you for a while. His combat skills are beyond anything that the Tribune has seen before, much to the dismay of Onions and Feds everywhere in the galaxy. Don’t try ambushing for Krzysiek without having a stack that consists of your whole alliance - if you don’t follow this rule, we’d ask you to transfer your credits to the Tribune before, because you’ll all die a horrible death without even scratching the paint of Krzysiek’s ship.
Little known facts: When asking for the pronunciation of Krzysiek’s name, 9 out of 10 Pardusians spontaneously died because their tongue strangled their brain.
35 - Dada — Dada is the exemplary Paladin. Noble in both actions and words, he is one of the prime reasons for the wealth of the Ska’ari core. While his skills in combat are considerable, his skills in commerce are legendary. Yet, he doesn’t use this skill to amass personal wealth, but rather to further the well being of his fellow imperials.
So, if you’re an imperial pilot and looking for new gear, be sure to stop by the Paladin Round Table in Ska.
34 - Cora — Cora is one of the eldest pilots that still inhabit our galaxy, but she sure doesn’t look it! She started out in the Federation but quickly moved to the neutral zone with her alliance PACK, where she had to relocate several times due to unexpected shifts in the structure of the universe. After some fights with other alliances, she and PACK finally found the peace they sought and are now one of the major forces in the South Pardus Rim.
Cora also is the owner of Helix, the federal SB in sector ZP, just south of Sodaack, and thus controls the bots supply to this skilling zone.
33 - Macros — The now-feared Extinction Agenda pilot started his career as so many of his comrades with FTS. After protecting FTS for a long time and serving as a member of the FTS council, Macros grew weary of politics. This is why this remarkable pilot became one of the driving forces behind the powerful alliance that Extinction Agenda is today.
The Tribune has also learned that Macros commands a seat on the Federation Council, an organization that is shrouded in mystery, even from other federal officers.
32 - Quallie — A long time member of Quinto Imperio, Quallie was among the first senior pilots to join the ranks of the young Union, where he quickly rose through the ranks and was able to purchase his trademark-ship, the Scorpion. Quallie is infamous among imperial pilots for initially “protecting” the Pardus Core from imperial pilots. Quallie’s fortunes this war have been less than good, as a quick glance at his GNN history will show.
31 - Freewind — Freewind is the best living example of the saying that “one man’s pirate is another man’s war hero.” Freewind long served as a “freelancer,” selling his services to the highest bidder (if necessary, even to Ruby Legion) or just killing random pilots. At some point, however, he heard the call of the Federation and became one of the major federal war heroes in the second Usube war.
That’s all for this week! Tune in in the coming weeks as we countdown the remainder of our list!