Issue #90
Well folks, we’re back again. The magnetic flux threw the galactic newswires into a rut last week, and we apologize. We hope to perfect some new technology soon that will allow us to work through such environmental occurrences. For now, however, enjoy this week’s edition of the Tiacken Tribune!
Magnetic Flux in Keldon Core!
If you live under a rock…well…that or if you live in any other sector of the galaxy, you might have missed the big GNN event last week. A magnetic storm of biblical proportions rocked the Imperial Keldon Core, causing serious visibility issues as nav computers everywhere jammed. The result? Blackness. Vid screens showed nothing, giving the intrepid ambusher all the advantage they needed. Imagine running your standard FWE route to Keldon, and suddenly tripping a 9 Doomstar ambush…in open space! The carnage would have been ghastly. The Tribune is sorely disappointed at the two dozen doomstar pilots out there for not giving us a more concrete story to write about.
A Soft Lotto (Starman)
Many saw it coming. General mitrust of previous lotteries, and the increasingly defensive statements of The Gingerbread Man - with an eventual retraction to a policy whereby there can *not* be winners (instead of tickets being drawn until a winner is found) - culminated in what many are bound to see as a fixed draw.
Misled by statements such as “I will use this money [the 7 million credits] to pay the winners regardless of tickets purchased,” and a general desire to make a quick buck, many lost out on this lottery.
The number drawn (number 35) was, as TGM ‘regrettably’ announced, not one of those that the ticket purchasers had bought.
Considering the change in game rules after purchases had been made, refunds look like a fairer solution than to him pocketing the profits of the tickets he did sell.
Some displayed displeasure that he retracted his promise to “…visit all planets and pilots” but one thing he was telling the truth about was in his opening, prophetic statement:
“This will be run in a similar fashion to Bryan’s past lotteries.” How The Gingerbread Man will regain the goodwill of the people of pardus remains to be seen. The Tribune wishes him luck, however.
War Rocks the North Pardus Rim!
After pretending to remain neutral during the last galactic war, GUA (or the Grand Unifying Alliance if you’re not so good with acronyms) decided that the time had come to flex their muscles, taking on all-comers in what is quickly turning into another galactic conflict. The event that launched this war to extinction between GUA allied alliances and the alliances siding with the Soul Reapers has not been adequately explained. Both sides accuse the other of piracy. The Tribune, however. has discovered an even more startling truth behind the madness. It seems that a GUA rookie got between Reimer and his beer and bacon sandwich. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Reimer, the Tribune can barely begin to describe how bad an idea this was. It’s about the equivalent of trying to stop a rabid Euryale from reaching the harrier hell-bent on fighting it. In other words, don’t do it. Ever.
Reimer reacted in his typical fashion, and shot said transgressor in the face. GUA reacted strongly, and SR retaliated. The fight should have been over before it began. After all, GUA members, while extremely skilled thanks to their countless hours of Z-series hunting while the rest of the universe bashed itself to pieces, had no real strategic experience. The smart money was on the Reapers. Then, however, others decided to get involved. Again, details are hazy, but we do know this: MERC, Ye Olde Candy Lordes, The Imperial Paladins, and Nemesis threw their lots in with GUA. In response, SR solicited the aid of Scorpion Guard, the Imperial Guard, and Legend. There have been rumored sightings of both Extinction Agenda and Red Cell as well, but their involvement is merely speculative at this juncture. GUA quickly took the fight from the NPR to the EPR, where it was rumored that they were decimating Reaper holdings.
Because of the Magnetic Storm last week, the Tribune lamented that it had lost its chance at reporting this amazing event. A few days ago, Reimer and Goodwill sat down over beer and bacon to discuss peace between the combined forces. Tribune sources say that all was going well until Goodwill had the audacity to eat the last bit of bacon. The talks quickly fell apart. Today, we saw the ultimate result of that failure. A major offensive was launched against GUA holdings. The victor? Well…both sides posted impressive victories. The SR forces struck heavy blows against GUA, removing 1 MO as of the time of this writing. Tukk, a relatively unknown pilot from the Scorpion Guard, lit up the GNN wires with victories against some of the universe’s best pilots. In the space of just under an hour, the news was rife with deaths from the war zone. Here are the entries as seen by the Tribune:
2007/06/18 - 16:31 Ghoul attacked and defeated Dagoat - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:26 Blackstone attacked and defeated Ironmanjb - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:25 Owen attacked and defeated Catheryne - GUA
2007/06/18 - 16:17 Bazlord attacked and defeated Zguby - GUA
2007/06/18 - 16:16 Tukk attacked and defeated Kevorkian - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:16 Kevorkian attacked and defeated Badamster - GUA
2007/06/18 - 16:12 Tukk attacked and defeated Thornal Malat - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:10 Evil Hutch was destroyed in his attack on the Military Outpost owned by Killersush - GUA
2007/06/18 - 16:10 Zguby attacked and defeated Maqerdan - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:08 Zguby attacked and defeated Killersush - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:03 Zguby attacked and defeated Gerbil Solo - SR
2007/06/18 - 16:02 Death was destroyed in his attack on the Military Outpost owned by Killersush - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:58 Tukk attacked and defeated Goldbrand - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:57 Badamster attacked and defeated Krakatoa - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:57 Blackstone attacked and defeated Namdliw - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:57 Kahldar attacked and defeated Aiden - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:56 Reimer attacked and defeated Sumpfdotter - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:55 Aiden attacked and defeated Big Al - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:55 Aiden attacked and defeated Marvey - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:48 Hydrowarz attacked and defeated Donut - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:48 Kevorkian attacked and defeated Badamster - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:48 Nightstalker attacked and defeated Casshern - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:44 Tukk attacked and defeated Sweetness - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:44 Tukk attacked and defeated Nomad - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:44 Blackstone attacked and defeated Bernie - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:43 Kevorkian attacked and defeated Illiana - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:43 Sumpfdotter attacked and defeated Aykeem - GUA
2007/06/18 - 15:43 Tukk attacked and defeated Kasser - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:43 Blackstone attacked and defeated Chuleray - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:43 Aiden attacked Aykeem but was destroyed - SR
2007/06/18 - 15:38 Blackstone attacked and defeated Arbs - SR
The Tribune is aware that the alliance listed next to the entry is not necessarily the alliance that the victor is in. Rather, it is the side that the Tribune thinks he or she was fighting for. The carnage has continued unabated to this point, and the Tribune wishes safe skies to those uninvolved in the conflict. Let this be a lesson to all, however - never stand between a Reimer and his bacon.
The Tiacken Tribune’s Top 100!!! (The Tribune Team)
Finally. We will be presenting 10 pilots per week. There is current debate between Tribune staffers as to whether this list should encompass pilots that have left us or not. However, the first 10 are almost all still around, so we have no real qualms about presenting this list for your enjoyment, if not necessarily your approval. Without further ado, here are your first 10!!!
100. Thinh - Thinh’s inclusion on this list proves that incessent spamming of the communications lines does get you recognized!
99. Doctor Kaligari - Leader of SPQ Hocancani that likes to make a scene every time hostilities visit their sector Hocancan. Of course, Hocancan is in the NZ, so this is often. While that seemed to be an effective tactic against the Order of the Rose, whether it will help in the NPR war remains to be seen, as well as whether SPQ has what it takes to survive the NZ.
98. The Gingerbread Man - His antics as a reincarnator are legend; this time he’s come back as a lottery man.
97. Tikakan - Founder of IG (2.0) and P.O.R.N., he’s not exactly nobody, but not exactly a player either. Then again, he’s clocking in at no. 97.
96. Reno Ryno - Renowned for his ability to pounce upon unwary victim, Reno Ryno might be the single most skilled maker of foes ever. The Tribune loves him though!
95. ElectricMonk - Currently holds the title “most obnoxious rookie pirate”
94. Masterchief - Currently holds the title “most obnoxious rookie imp”; despite what certain Feds may tell you, that’s not quite the same as no 95.
93. Wit - Wit could have been a lot further down on this list. Heck, he still arguably should be. However, we weren’t sure if being scammed out of nearly 200,000,000 credits warranted moving up or down. We went with up.
92. Gehenna - Current CEO of Tipsy Tortoise Rum Co. While not particularly influenetial, their brew is what keeps the Tribune team ticking.
91. Wellhopa - The original anonymous bountier. Still wanted, still at large .
Tune in next week for the next 10! Congrats to the nominees so far…did YOU make the list!?