Issue #60
As if I didn’t have enough to do standing around trying to be a figurehead, Eldritch decides it’s a perfect time to go take care of some ‘personal’ business. Mainly, that means he’s going to go spend a few weeks seeing how drunk he can get and how many times he can…err, nevermind. It’s best not to think about it. So with that being said, you get to put up with my rambling for a few weeks before Eld gets back and takes the reigns once again.
So what’s up in the news this week?
Sol Massacre
Scrotor McGrew made his presence known for pilots around the Sol area. Obliterating as many ships as he could find, Scrotor made life miserable for many young and inexperienced pilots in the area. The cloning facilities were working overtime and the outcry reached far and wide as to what to do to get rid of the menace.
While Scrotor has started in Sol, it’s just a matter of time before he finds his way into other sectors in the area. Triad, FTS, TXC, and FHA should all be looking out for this killer who is enjoying his work a bit too much.
As to new pilots in the Fed core area, take some advice. Watch your turns (AP). Watch your fuel. Running out of either of those and sitting in open space is a death wish. Finish your day on a wormhole or a planet. If you realize you aren’t going to make it, at least park on a building where killers can’t see you off the main screen. You’ll have a SLIGHTLY better chance of survival. Remember that fuel can be purchased on the BLACK MARKET. And finally, if you haven’t considered moving out of Sol (or any starting sector), there are plenty of good opportunities elsewhere around the galaxy for trading. Sometimes, the grass really IS green on the other side of the fence…. If you want some of my personal favorites, send me a PM.
The Duel
Duels aren’t exactly the most common occurrence around the universe, but every now and then a pair of pilots decide to match for whatever reason to see which pilot, is indeed, the better fighter. Last week saw The Enigma up against the (ex Mooninite) Eli Rob. Bets were opened and The Engima was ready to take his chances. However, it seems that Eli Rob backed out at the last moment. Whether it was the death (or two?) that occurred shortly before the duel, or the realization that nothing good could come out of the duel – Eli Rob apologetically backed out leaving the gamblers in a bit of a lurch. Ah well, maybe next time.
Interview with Minimal Bob
Before Eld left on his escape from reality, he dropped off an interview he had just completed and asked me to write up. I found the interview….well, just see for yourself.
***
The rendezvous coordinates for the interview were in the middle of nowhere. An absolute wasteland with nothing of interest for sectors around. Hell, even the various space creatures that inhabited the universe stayed clear of the area. But sure enough, as I flew to the assigned coordinates, Minimal Bob was already there and waiting.
I docked with his ship and made my way into to a sparse room where bob awaited me. I sat down and fidgeted for a moment or two until Bob realized I was here and gave me his full attention.
Tribune: Uh, I’m sure you have your reasons, but where exactly are we?
Bob: I call this place The Gap. The Gap in the Soul. Nothing for miles around to interrupt my thoughts of depanturehood.
Tribune: Ok, why don’t you explain the basic precepts of the Church of Depantology.
Bob went almost into a trance as he began reciting the precepts of the Church:
1. Pants are unnatural. They Itch, Bind, Constrict and Chafe! On a purely physical level how can one focus the mind on spiritual matters when one is Assailed by The Unholy Chafings! I have conclusive studies that indicate there was a dramatic rise in piracy rates when tight pants and low slung holsters came into fashion,
I looked around uncomfortably as Bob contiuned
2. But that’s not all. There are, it has been revealed, such things as Spare Iotans. Now SI’s are ineffeably drawn to Pants. They enter the pants and get Trapped by the pants! Any pants, even those designed for comfort trap Iotans. Now SI’s in their natural free floating state do no harm. But once trapped they begin to get, well, angry. That’s not exactly it, but it’s a useful metaphor to explain.
Tribune: Should I be forced to depant while in your presence? And what about robes and things of that nature? They’re not really pants…
Bob: What happens: When they are in this agitated state, they can in fact, enter the body. They then infect the body system with their “anger”. This leads to irrational behaviour on the part of the lodgee. It’s a fact that people who wear more constricting clothes are more “Evil” in their ways than those who wear looser clothes. Take politicians for example.
As to depanting in my presence, only if you want to.
Bob gestured meaningfully over to the two fully clothed and well-armed Rashkan bodyguards that had taken their station outside the door.
Bob: As to robes and things of that nature? They aren’t really pants… – but I’ll answer that in a second after I finish telling the Third Tenet
3. There was One. This One came to Know the Way of Depantology. The times he lived in were Hard and he was forced to be Hard as well. Many times was he assailed by Empanted Ones. But He stood Firm. He Depanted the Hut Dwellers of Kree. He Stormed The Fortress of Ineffable Trousers. Yea, he even Cast Down the Iotan Appreciation Society and Smote their ruin on the mountains.
His name was Conan, for that is what He was called.
We call him St. Conan. Unfortuanately his Great Writings were Lost. Revisionists rewrote the great tales as amusing fictions. But with the Help of Brother Sheperd the Truth has been Revealed! All hail St. Conan The First Nekked Saint!
And what about robes and things of that nature? not really pants.. - The fact is all clothes trap SI’s to a greater or lesser extent. Only by depanting to Full Nekkedness can Spiritual Purity be achieved.
Against my better judgment, I went ahead and asked my next question:
Tribune: Didn’t Conan wear a loincloth?
The rage was instantaneous as Bob came to his feet slamming his fist onto the table:
“Lies! Conan was fully Nekked! Revisionist Heretical Lies! I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to open up a Great Big Can of Inquisition on you?”
The commotion had brought one of the Rashkan bodyguards into the doorway. When Bob was sure that I wasn’t about to say anything else flippant, Bob waved him off and the bodyguard retreated back to his post.
Bob: Empanted societies are often unsettled by St. Conan’s Glorious Nekkedness! They invented the loincloth to satisfy their own short-sided standards of decency.
Tribune: Is Depantology aligned with the Inquisition?
Bob: Depantology has no formal contact with the Inquisition, although we do support their goals. Mostly. To a certain extent. The inquisition I was speaking of was The Church of Depantology’s own form on Inquisition trials.
Tribune: I see — so once the universe is free of trapped spare iotans, what then?
Bob: Once the universe is free of Iotans. Truthfully brother, I don’t know. My interpretation of the scripture is that once all are depanted, all shall be free. I believe that all will live in Harmony and Peace.
Tribune: The argument could be made that slaves are made to wallow in dirty nakedness, but do see neither peace nor harmony…how do you respond?
Bob: Most slaves are in fact made to wear loin-cloths or dirty cheap garments of some kind. Also I suspect that there state is a consequence of Empanted Ones forcing slavery upon them. Surely noone chooses to be a slave. The slaves are not at fault for their situation, the fault lies with the Empanted Slavers.
Tribune: I see. How does one join your church?
Bob: One merely has to visit the forums, and announce that one has depanted. The church is above petty concerns such as alliance or factional squabbles. Like-minded individuals frequently post new uncovered information on the forums. And you have to buy my pamphlets. Printed on the finest quality paper. I give you very good price.
Tribune: Wonderful! Thanks for the interview!
Stepping carefully past the two Rashkan bodyguards, I slipped into my familiar hawk and made his way quickly back into the ‘pantedness’ of the universe.
Conflict in Federation Core! (by Alathaniel)
One pilot declaring war against multiple alliances isn’t exactly common, but it isn’t unknown either. Word from Imperial space says that someone is busily committing piracy using the alliance conflict regulations even now. But from what I’ve heard, Imperial space you’re more likely to see disagreements settled with exchanges of main battery fire between two nobles than with words. The last time a private grievance was filed within the Federation was during the so-called “Space Weasel War” before Admiral Paradis vanished. So Walking onto the bridge of my ship and hearing that launch had declared a grievance with the largest Federal alliance to be found was a bit of a shock.
Hours later, I strode into FEDNAV HQ, holding a copy of the official communiqe. Petty bureaucracy run out of control fighting over pointless authority while somehow presenting a unified front when causing us line officers who do the real work no end of problems. After the inevitable runaround, I eventually reached someone who was more than a glorified receptionist or filing clerk. Having a pair of Captain’s tabs helps - what a corporal has to go through I’d rather not say.
“Major, could you explain this message to me?”
“Captain Alathianiel? Sir, this is a standard message informing
the involved parties that a private grievance has been filed between two alliances. I don’t see …”
“Thank you Major, I’d hate to think we promoted officers who can’t
read to senior positions. Now can your office possibly explain what this grievance is about?”
“Sir, as I was explaining that’s just a standard message …”
I hate it when I have to browbeat mid-level officers. But that’s the
problem with bureaucracy. See, they don’t like to admit they don’t know what’s going on, especially when it’s their own department.
It seems that somehow, the newly formed “launches Pasifist Alliance” had somehow become listed as declaring a conflict against my own group, The Triad. Admittedly it was run by one of the most famous nutcases in the Galaxy, so the action itself wasn’t terribly confusing. The odd part is that there was no history of any bad blood between launch and The Triad. So getting notification of a private grievance was a bit unexpected, especially when nobody from the newest recruit all the way up to both Admirals had any idea who had done what.
It turned out the day was only beginning. Eventually, the Major who got the short straw of dealing with me finally admitted why I was being given the runaround. No reason for the grievance had been received or filed with FEDNAV HQ. How do you get this sort of thing approved without providing cause? A damned good question.
Digging the answer out of the bureaucracy took verbally abusing another major, two colonels, and a Lieutenant Commander before they finally sent the Captain in charge of the department to deal with me. There’s a lot of procedural forms and data pushing involved in the process, enough to horrify even the bravest of spacers. The short version is that when the bureaucracy finally noticed there was no reason given for grievance, the approval had already been processed. In order to cover up the mistake, which was found right about the same time I walked through the airlock, I was given a runaround while the Captain franticly tried to contact launch for an explanation of grievances.
The message I was shown by the Captian, who begged me to keep his name secret, consisted of one line.
“I made a mistake filling out the forms for something else. Sorry.”
It’s a shame that not wasting charge on my sidearm was the only reason I didn’t shoot any of the useless bureaucracy on the way out. How [Admiral] Atrellium and [Admiral] Ayanari have the patience for this insanity I’ll never know.
Mapping the Universe
Sitting in the Enclave bar the other day listening in on a conversation between a few pilots and their wanderings around the universe – one had mentioned that he had been updating his old galaxy map based on the new creatures that had…escaped (released?)…from Federation labs and into the public spaceways.
Now while the drones and fighters were nothing new, it got me thinking about exactly what was going to happen in the future. Scientists were in the process of working at openings to the (likely) East Pardus Rim, and rumors have been surfacing repeatedly regarding the Union – whatever and wherever they may be. But with the loss of the universal mapper, the introduction into the unknown would be… interesting to say the least.
Well, apparently Eldritch must have listened to the same conversation as he has begun running around the universe updating the map. If you have updates to the map, please be sure to send the info to Eld for him to update.
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Zouron Retires
Zouron came by Legion Enclave recently to announce his retirement. It’s always with mixed emotions when a long time pilot decides to get out of the business. Sure, you’re happy for them, but at the same time, you’re sad over what is lost. A long time informant for the Tribune, we went over some of the past history we’d been through – or at least witnessed over a couple of drinks. Notable memories included his “Save the cats” campaign (giving an embryo and a ton of water to all passing traders) and the adventures of AWC and DOW. Good luck Zouron, wherever you are. You will be missed.
Shadow Killing
Roaming around the universe was – the shadow. A dark and mysterious cloak of darkness, the shadow was impervious to anyone and everything it came up against. That is, until it met its match against Quallie. In a slow and grinding fashion, Quallie eroded the defenses of the Shadow until it finally yielded in an explosion that nearly tore Quallie’s ship apart. But what’s done is done and nobody can take away from Quallie the title of the first Shadow Slayer. Congrats Quallie!
Blood Games?
I caught wind this week of a contest of sorts that is being put together. Details are sketchy but the contest looks to promote a fair amount of death and destruction. This looks interesting so I’ll be digging deeper to see if I can get more info.
Public Service Annoucement
Do you have a wish to see the slaves of Class D planets free? Are you burning with the desire to do anything it takes to free these people? Simply bored with the standard alliance life and need a change? The TST is always on the lookout for experienced traders looking for something a bit different.
TST. Coming to a class D near you.