The Tiacken Tribune

The Mooninites Strike Back… sort of (by Crake)

A long awaited Mooninite counterstrike hit the Red Cell last week, as the majority of the Mooninite fighter squadron entered Capella and Nebul looking for a fight. The incursion met with initial success, killing traders and raiding and destroying two of the Cell’s choicest targets, Tightwads Trading Outpost and Ambrosia’s Droid Assembly Complex. But Red Cell bounced back from the initial damage, as Sentinels scrambled to defend their home territory.

Tightwad responded first, attempting to save his TO from the ravening Mooninite horde. He charged into four of them, and immediately found himself in a cloning vat. Undeterred, Tightwad sprang back into action. Once again, he was made “cold as ice.” The third try proved more successful for Tightwad, and he was able to dispatch two of the Mooninites. Shortly later, he encountered Scybeam, the monstrous pilot of one of the few Liberators extant. Tightwad, sensing a challenge, immediately closed in on the liberator, and destroyed it. At the same time, Total Grave had tracked down Mats and Dan King, and graciously provided them tickets to their home world. After triumphing over Scybeam, Tightwad repaired, and returned to destroy Err and Delphiki. Bobo was last seen by Tightwad, streaking out of Capella bound for parts unknown.

While this editor remains studiously unbiased, of course, Red Cell was heard to celebrate raucously afterwards, drinking and defiling the bodies of their fallen enemies.

MERC proves it is worth the money.

After their relative failure in Capella/Nebul, the Mooninites and their Daayan friends sought help from a higher power. Sources suggest that MERC was contracted to do what the Mooninites had failed to do – strike the Cell hard. They dispatched renowned pilot Thornal Malat, who entered Red Cell’s systems with guns blazing, immediately taking a toll on the Cell. At this time, Thornal has sent five pilots of the Cell to their doom, and has (at least at the time of this writing) escaped death himself.

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Another One Bites the Dust:

In what is becoming standard galactic news fare, another Player-owned Starbase fell this week when Johnny Rico, the Supreme Commander of the Revenant Squadron, destroyed the Wily Weasel, owned by none other than Federation Admiral Paradis. When asked by the Tribune what prompted him to destroy the Starbase, Johnny refused to say anything beyond the fact that it was a Trade Xchange Corporation operation. The Tribune tried a new tack. “Johnny,” we asked, “aren’t you afraid of retaliation at this juncture?” Johnny grinned wolfishly and rubbed his chin. “Paradis is a weak old man. If he has any thought on the matter, he’s welcome to try to seek revenge personally. I’ll send him back to Sol whenever the Admiral pleases.” This reporter suddenly found himself wishing that he was almost anywhere else in the universe.

The Triad is just as shocked as anyone over the destruction on their doorstep. Readers might remember the failed “Operation Wet Weasel” – a convoluted plan that involved drowning Paradis’s Starbase. At that time, Triad had planned on expanding south through Ericon, using XH 3819 as a platform into Orerve. Sources close to Atrellium claim that the Triad’s leader, having been deprived of his potential skill gains through sparring, plans on taking a close look at that expansion once again. Triad has asked TXC to cease their hasty attempt to throw up a Starbase in XH 3819 and meet for diplomatic discussions about how to proceed.

This was, indeed, a mighty blow to sector XH 3819, which long thought of itself as the vanguard in the fight against the fearsome Space Weasels. When it was pointed out that nobody had ever seen a Space Weasel, the former inhabitants of the sector suggested that it was their work that prevented the fierce creatures from devouring the known universe. Whether the mighty Space Weasel will seize this opportunity and invade the Federation Core remains to be seen.

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The Growing Menace:

I was drifting towards Legion Enclave earlier this week, dozing lightly, when the scanners on my ship, Deliverance, picked up something odd. At first, I registered a Medusa in sector. While I am often confused with Eldrioth, the universe’s premier bounty hunter, I am not actually him, and so usually choose to avoid Medusas. That night, however, was different. I was feeling spry and decided that I would have a go at the galactic jellyfish.

Imagine my surprise when my view screens registered not a purple/blue blob of swinging tentacles, but rather a palely fluorescent pink colored mass of gelatin. I became worried. Was this a new species of Medusa? Was it a mating signal? I recalled an article in an earlier Tribune about the mating habits of Medusa, and realized that my ship might not stand that sort of pounding.

I readied my weapons and took manual control of the ship. At least I’d go down fighting. I waited for the gigantic, pink Medusa to make the first move. It never did. Instead my ship was enveloped in an enormous, slimy mass. It took me several minutes before I realized that this was tons upon tons of embryos. I scrambled Brackard at Legion Enclave and asked him what was up. He informed me that he had just released 13,000 tons of embryos into space. I made a note to have a Slaver in Training clean my ship.

Embryos. Most starbases in the universe produce them at an alarming rate. Some try to give them away to local farmers. This is not sufficient. There are currently only 485 space farms in existence. In an effort to free space, many owners are forced to dump the cargo into space. The embryo supply far exceeds its demand, and needs checked before something utterly terrible occurs. What that occurrence might be, I do not know. But I am sure it will be terrifying.

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Announcements:

In a surprise move this week, Dan King, a member of the Mooninites declared that nobody is allowed to collect bounties on members of his Alliance. Neither are members of the Mooninites allowed to collect bounties on others. This is obviously in response to the galactic glitch in escape pod maintenance, which causes extreme amnesia and loss of skill gains after use. How this combines with the former Mooninite policy of doing whatever they want to whomever they want at all times remains to be seen.

Revenge seekers, take heed! Sources close to the Scorpion Guard intimate that a rate increase might be seen in the near future. Again, this increase is a safety measure to Guard pilots, who always run the risk of using an escape pod while on a contract. The search continues around the galaxy for the engineer who decided to implement this new respiration system in the current escape pod model.

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Editorial Response (to be taken with a grain or two of salt):

This is a new section in the Tiacken Tribune, wherein the Editors will attempt to address a few reader concerns each week. Do NOT take offense to anything written in this section, we’re just fooling around (mostly). If your comment is not selected, don’t fret. We’re sure you had something interesting and cogent to say…

Dear Editor,

“I am dissapointed (sic.) in (sic.) lack of coverage of other news, such as the attack on Cemiess, and the subsequent attack on Daaya. Also, the quality of writing is inferior to Brackard, and I do miss his humor. But it’s still good to see another issue of the Tribune”

Concerned Reader

Dear Reader,

I am disappointed in your failure to alert us to this news, and am happy to confer upon you the honorary title of “Tribune Field Reporter.” I won’t even mention your second and third comments, as a retarded monkey (a primate found on Sol) could see the humor in the last edition (I suppose that more Douglas Adams and less Brackard is a bad thing though). I look forward to your submission on the goings on in Cemiess and Daaya. :P

Yours,

Tribune Editors.

Dear Editor,

“i am dissapointed to see that you do not show the fact that the sector bloom in hoanda which from the deadest sector in human core sprout and how the triad have now a little over 100 members but its till good to see another issue of the tribune”

Reader #2

Dear Reader,

Please look closely in the announcement section of the last issue. You will find that we did, in fact, mention that Triad exceeded 100 members in the announcements. As for the sector bloom, that is old news, available to everybody in the universe on their news screens. You wouldn’t want us to turn into CNN (an ancient Earth news channel) and only report the same thing as everyone else, would you?

Sincerely,

Tribune Editors

This entry was posted on Monday, January 2nd, 2006 at 12:00 am and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.