The Tiacken Tribune

War! (ooh…good god ya’ll) what is it good for!?

And so the war continues. The Union is widely considered the losers thus far, for even with the gracious aid of Admiral Orsan of the Federation, they have not managed to take the lead in the galactic polls. More surprising to some is the role the federation is having in the current conflict. So, what’s been happening? A quick review of this week’s events shows much action around the universe.

First, and most noteworthy - for the first time since the Second Usube War, the Empire has regained their foothold in Nari. Well…that is to say that they removed it from Union control. Whether or not a foothold is to be found there remains to be seen.

Second, Shwabrer and Orsan began running amok in Union space, checking obvious ambush locations. At some point, Rednew, of Imperial Sardauker was killed when he attacked Orsan and Shwabrer came calling. In response, the Empire struck a blow against Shwabrer by destroying Crystal Valley Gate, the Admiral’s SB in Dubhe.

Allegedly in response to the SB destruction, a group of federal officers launched an attack on Imperial MOs. However, this attack was not directed at access points to the Empire. Instead, the federation brain trust decided that a more telling victory would be achieved if they attacked the Imperial outposts in Solaqu, which guarded the famous Solaqu Z-nook. This, of course, renders Swami’s Starbase vulnerable to attack, and opens the hitherto restricted area to all-comers, and thus implicates Union interests as well. All of this on the heels of the Federation and Union resuming “good” galactic relations in the polls.

The repercussions of this attack remain to be seen, but this reporter is confident that neither the Empire nor the Union will forget this attack soon.

Letters from Tahssa - Part 4 - More Sampling

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Bayer-Szell committee just announced its acceptance of our sample size (for those of you who don’t remember, we’re doing a scientific research project on the caracteristics of the “Tahssa Syndrome”, or “Muppet Syndrome”, as we’re calling it, along with a team from the Tau Ceti Mental Hospital. Please read former editions of the Tribune for details). We’re now publishing yet more samples of postings from victims of the Muppet Syndrome for your viewing…. erm… pleasure. (If you have a heart condition, please skip this article) Remember people are not posturing in these quotes… these are all spontaneous.

Also, please note that pie has got nothing to do with it.

“reason why empire will loos war ,,,,!!”

“*random pirate/ninja smiley spam* jesus nix in Ross !!! he’s defeating my TO !!!!!!!!!! need help”

“ey you want a piece of me come get it i can take your little pirahna”

“75 k you say you sold them for that lol i could have made 200000 you really are a fool , tell u what since u liked that 75k so much ill put another 75k on your head smile.gif wont that be fun (…) no blank threats i promise the bounty will be placed asap problem is im indisposed right now, and i love this tyrant its great and im no pirate”

“f**k the tutorial”

” lol no its cos i need rusty to get money widout a mag scoop but its easyer to cloak in sabre………….its hard to choose (…) it aint a rule so ill speak how i want (…) i told u already! im were i said and i aint leaveing”

” 1. ill have bountys again u can count on era for that

2. THIS PPLACE IS GREAT OF COURSE I WONT LEAVE!”

“im gonna sek you down and telerob you then destroy you then your buildings…”

“a week of protection left have fun. and the best part is i wont be trapped in federation space. here is why they will gladly let me out. pirates in there protected area would be horrible if im willing to leave volunaterialy i see no problem. then once im in the nz im almost untouchable. to small for anyone to care about. not even worth the time to put on an ambush list.”

“my rustbucket of doom will get you”

“Please help me. An energy sparker in alioth is blocking the only way out of the wormhole. It would take 10000’s of hours for me to go around.

EDIT:
turns out I could just jump diagonally…”

” dear harrier pilots, its time we show pardus what are ships are capable of… its time to get respect, to fight… to unite!”

” big words coming from a bable no i choose to start at the bottem with everyone knowing im a pirate therefore it is much more entertaining and not hide the fact i want to loot your ship and buildings. if your worried im not going to survive then thanks for the warning. reguardless i will become a pirate and add fear back into the name… (…) to bad there is no hijacking in here would be halarious to watch me crash a doomstar into an MO. i want to get out of fed space fast

pats himself on the back for busting out of the fed blockade, ditching my rank and safely hidden in the neutral zone! (…)

no mention of me am i an elder pirae now”

And that’s all for this week folks. Tune in next week for more!

CAT Speaks 4 - Ain’t I speakin’ nice?

Hello Organic Beings,

It always amazes me how you can always drop your state of existence into a big, deep pit, and then, upon reaching the bottom, invent digger machines. And, upon reaching the center of the planet, invent a trans-dimensional gate that warps you all the way to the netherhells.

Let’s see what’s going on in our galaxy, shall we, in crescent order of nastiness:

-Muppets
-Piracy
-Empire-Union war, with innocent casualties in the hundreds of thousands, plus those affected by famine and supply exhaustion.
-Pro-war alliances striving to throw the Federation and all neutrals into the mess
-Unions walking blindly into chokepoints
-Slave Trading, with the occasional Dark Dome
-Newbie Protection, as decreed by the Galactic Council
-Muppets
-Z fighters moving below buildings, killing traders, and using their mental confusion fields on pilots so they can’t even learn a thing from fighting them.
-Flame Threads
-War threads
-Andover
-Logical Fallacies
-Muppets
-Bad Grammar/Spelling

If that’s not enough evidence of a galaxy-wide catastrophe ganging up on us all, I don’t know what it is.

But don’t fear, brave pilots! I have gotten hold of a guide program that will help you survive in these dark times.

Follow this link into the vast galactic networks, o fearless of heart, and learn how to understand and battle that most deadly fiend, the nasty, evil oblivion bringer, the l33t sp34k!

http://filer.case.edu/jar20/l33tpaper.htm
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=l33t

Armed with this knowledge, you will surely prevail over the muppetry pervading our galactic culture.

Godspeed,

-The Pardusian CAT

The Tiacken Tribune Presents! (Tribune Staff)

Welcome, Pardus, to the Tribune Top 50! These pilots are truly deserving of praise for being among the truly elite of the galaxy. We know that there are many deserving pilots who did not make the list so far, and that there are only 50 slots left to fill. We wish you all luck in making the list from here on out.

50 - Denezar — Long-time leader of Conglomo. It was under Denezar’s rule that Conglomo established what is likely largest alliance territory in Pardus - the Conglomo 7 in the Lane Cluster. Now that Prince Denezar is one of the leading members of Smoke and Mirrors CMC, we at the Tribune think that it’s time to get rid of some Conglomo policies and use the 7 for they’d be suited best for: being the largest drug nook ever built.

49 - Tareldor — For a very long time, Tareldor was one of the leading members of the Freeholders Alliance, which he put to good use to gain some insane combat skills. After seeing how the neutrality of the Freeholders prevented him from fighting for his faction during the second Usube war, he left to found the Nemesis with a number of other disillusioned members of neutral alliances. Ever since then, he has proved to be a critical factor in nearly every major operation of the Empire.

48 - Prophet — Seems it’s FHA time in the Tiacken Tribune 100. Prophet might be better known to some as Lordmoore - who led the Freeholders Alliance for more than a year. During his reign, the Freeholders were reformed after being nearly put out of business for good and achieved much of the economic power they hold today. It seemed that Lordmoore’s career as the CEO of one of Pardus’ greatest cooperations would go on like that forever - until he received a holy vision and became what he is today - the Prophet of a long sleeping goddess that has awoken again. On a personal note. No, Prophet, that money does not belong to you.

47 - Blade Star — Blade Star served the Federation well for most of his Pardus career. He ran one of the most famous Starbases in Pardus (Blade City) and defended the Federation whenever and however he deemed appropriate, as shown by the Siberion incident when he destroyed an Imperial Starbase set up in federal territory. Due to his achievements, the High Command had been willing to overlook his…shadier… activities for a long time - Blade Star operated two of the largest drug stations in faction space. After a prolonged absence from fed space, however, he was stripped of his Admiral rank, causing Blade Star to join the newly emerged Union and becoming the first Doomstar pilot ever to install a pirate cloaking device on his vessel.

46 - Ragnar One Tooth — Ragnar One Tooth has emerged only recently as a voice to be hearkened to in the Union. Ragnar’s often eloquent communications with his faction members do not always counsel the safest course of action, but the one that would probably serve the Union best. He is also emerging as a combat force, though is only 1-2 in war news thus far. Combat skills, however, are not everything, and the Tribune believes that Ragnar’s presence in the diplomatic arena has earned him his spot on this list.

45 - Pixx — Pixx is known best for being the likely reincarnation of a terran hero known as “John Rambo.” While the vast majority of the Federation was busy hiding and complaining during the first Usube war, he spent several days causing havoc in Keldon and managing to avoid more than 2 dozen Imperial hunters searching dedicatedly for him. After escaping from Keldon, he alone had caused more damage to the Empire than most other federal alliances put together.

44 - Nanvel — “The Federation attacked Enaness - but was destroyed by Nanvel.” That, at least, is what the GNN news entry should have read. Nanvel made himself immortal during the first days of the second Usube war, when he nearly single-handedly crushed the assault of the Federation on the Ruby Legion stronghold in Enaness. Besides that, he is rumored to be one of the most highly-skilled pilots of Pardus, even though few of his targets ever live to tell the tale.

43 - Lancel –After starting his career with Sadist Faction, Lancel soon became one of the founding members of the Imperial Sardaukar (together with Myrrh and Kavalion). After losing a Starbase to the bombers of the Sindarin Trade Society, IS swore revenge on the Federation. Ever since then, the Sardaukars have been at the forefront of the imperial war effort. Lancel’s able leadership is reflected in his alliance’s seamless teamwork during the most complex operations.

Lancel’s his excellent coverage of the second Usube war rivaled even the Tribune. As he continues to cover this war, the Tribune urges its readers to rely on Lancel for up-to-the-minute breaking news!

42 - Kahldar — Kahldar has been with the Scorpion Guard for nearly his entire career - after a short stay with the Imperial Guard, he was one of the key pilots that helped the oldest mercenary alliance of Pardus to rise again from the ashes of their destruction in Urhoho. His loyalty has recently been rewarded with his promotion to the supreme lord of the whole guard, putting him in command of a very dangerous fighting force.

So kids - be advised. Do not piss off Kahldar, for if you ask: “You and what army?” He’ll simply say “Mine”.

41 - Gelt — One of the founding members of “Famous Pirate,” Gelt remains one of the last “true” pirates of Pardus to this day. Readers of Tribune back issues might remember Gelt, as this editor does, as the famous pirate who stole past the TST MO wall in Ophiuchi and destroyed a Behemoth, only to escape again. Gelt’s legend has grown so great that Ska’ari capitalists tell their children to be nice or Gelt will steal all their profits.

That’s it for now folks! Tune in next time for the next chunk of our list!