The Tiacken Tribune

This week heralds an unusually busy time at the Tribune…and just when many of our stories were about to hit the presses, we were sabotaged! Still, we managed to scrape together this week’s issue of the Tiacken Tribune, and hope that our efforts aren’t unappreciated!

Rigamarole (Bryan)

Any enterprising entrepreneur knows that it takes time and effort to increase one’s lot. Admiral Zeris is no exception, and has managed quite a successful career as a Pardusian pilot. After all, he flies a Doomstar! That alone speaks volumes. Recently, however, Admiral Zeris’s entrepreneurial spirit has come into question. It seems that the Admiral has become very interested in a species of 4-foot insectoid creatures he found while his ship was surveying the ice planet Anphiex for hydrogen extraction options this last Tuesday. Zeris was delighted, and began plans for the planet immediately following the discovery. First, he believed that the planet should be made into theme park. Then he thought that a national park would be the best venture. Finally, he decided that Anphiex would best serve the universe as a bank. So thinking, he gave this official speech to the masses via galactic holograph.

“Awww…they’re adorable ain’t they? They remind me of Oompa Loompas,” Zeris began. “Except they scrounge fuel instead of coco beans.” The conversation quickly deteriorated after this point. “That’s right! These Oompa Loompa like creatures will spend their days in sweat shops producing drugs in exchange for wages in fuel. They’re colorful too!” When asked what would happen to the ‘Oompa Loompas’ after they became too old to work, Zeris responded, “[W]e’re forced to put them through the recylcotrons anyway…where they are distilled for water and amino acids…as well as various lipids, glucose, enzymes and other such products. They [might] make good paperweights. I see a real future here….” Like any successful entrepreneur, Zeris will be relying on outside capital to fund his program. “We need a donation of 10,000,000 credits to make this program a success.”

In this reporter’s opinion, it seems only right to boycott this operation. Perhaps the insectoids are worth a second look. Using them for water processing, and then processing them in to water just seems wrong. Still, the Tribune wishes Zeris all the luck in the universe, and huge profits at the end of the day…no matter how twisted his scheme is.

Lawsuit Rocks Tribune!

Tribune lawyers were apalled this week when they were served with a summons to appear in front of Federation Court. Half of the legal team promptly quit, but the young lawyers, the ones that need the pittance we pay them, answered the call. It seems that our copy editor last week neglected to receive Amai y Hassa’s consent before publishing his little-known recording of “A Pirate Song.” Though sources indicate that Amai has received several offers from Universal record labels, that source of income apparently wasn’t enough. So, he went after the Tribune. On what grounds did he bring suit? The answer is simple, and ironic. Amai y Hassa sued the Tribune alleging piracy.

The courtroom was packed in Sol, where the Federation High Court was empanelled. Tribune lawyers and reporters ringed the defense table. Amai was not present — his exploits in the Federation Human Core last time he slipped in had not yet been forgotten. Instead, Amai’s visage was projected via large screen hologram. Sitting a few feet away from his six foot head was not a pleasant experience. Both sides made opening arguments. The Tribune’s legal team focused primarily on the character of the accuser. Amai y Hassa, after all, has garnered substatial fame as a pirate. Amai, who elected to represent himself in the proceedings, responded by examining some of the Tribune’s less-than-forthright business practices. Still, it was clear from early on that the Tribune lawyers had the upper hand.

At least, it was clear until the holovid panned into wide screen. The image shown caused the courtroom to erupt into chaos. Amai was seated cooly between the wife and 18 year old daughter of the Chief Justice. Amai smiled and winked rougishly. “Your Honor,” he began, “allow me to make one more argument before you render your decision. As you see, I have…borrowed…your women-folk. It would probably be in your best interests to decide in my favor.” The holovid blinked out. Silence reigned in the courtroom. The Chief Judge’s face was pale as he looked sternly at the Tribune’s defense team. “It is clear to me that the Tribune has violated universal piracy laws with its bootlegged recording of Amai y Hassa’s ‘Pirate Song’,” began the Judge. “Thus, I pronounce judgment…” Here, he was interuppted by a Tribune attorney, who requested a sidebar conversation. The Justice granted the request, and reporters have no idea what transpired by the bench. What is known, however, is that the attorney grabbed a thin file labeled “Classified” from a small stack on the table, and showed its contents to the judge. The judge paled further and cleared his throat. The attorney smiled, smugly, as the verdict (in favor of the Tribune) was read.

Tribune reporters have tried to determine what was in the classified files, but our legal department refuses to budge. We have also attempted to discover the fate of Amai y Hassa’s hostages, but he has become reclusive and refused our requests for interviews. What new developments this might bring, only time will tell.

An Anonymous Tip (Anonymous)

Eldritch was seated behind his desk at Tribune Headquarters, trying to figure out some way to use company funds to purchase a Gauntlet, when his galactic communicator beeped. A frown played across his face. There was simply no way to arm the gauntlet correctly with the Tribune’s budget. Glancing down, Eldritch was surprised to find a message from a blocked address had wormed its way through to him. Curious, he read:

“I need you to do me a huge favour, Eldritch. Whilst “browsing” through some files during my visit to Vega, I found something disturbing. The Union, in its infinite wisdom, saw fit to keep some information that might one day be useful to them- and I need to be sure of the facts.

As you may or may not know, Evil Penguin is a die-hard soldier of the Empire- all because he believes the Federation killed his parents in a bombing on his homeplanet. However, the Union’s files indicate that it might have been a hoax- in fact, they might have even bombed their own people to increase public support and drafting rates. It certainly worked in Penguin’s case…

I need you or any other reporters that are interested to find out the truth behind this matter. I may not be on good terms with the Feds, but I’ll be damned if I let anybody be Lar’noks puppet.

Please, be careful. The Emperor will surely not want this information to be made public if it is true- Godspeed, friend.”

Eldritch blinked a few times. If this were true, Imperial Civil War would certainly result! His duty as a galactic citizen precluded him from publishing even a hint of the scandal! Eldritch paused. Still…Imperial Civil War or Imperial War with the Union would make good news. Eldritch punched a few keys and forwarded the tip to the Tribune presses. Now, he was smiling.

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Tribune Archives

New to the Pardus Universe? Many great conflicts and hardships were endured before you ever earned your first eppaulet. Old timer who yearns to remember the good old days? Lucky for you, the Tribune was around! Take a few minutes and browse your friendly Tribune archive! Read the Ode to Lady Aliars in issue 42, or read the actions that prompted the Ode in issues 23 and 24! Read about trans-dimensional exploration in issue 31, or explore the history of C.A.S.H.! Whatever your interest, chances are that the Tribune has written about it! SO, GO AND READ!

Announcements

Congratulations to Quallie, who has become the Union’s first Son! Now let’s see what the scorpion can do!

The Tribune would like to take a moment and give a hearty hearty congratulations to Corba and Scuttles! The two pilots were wed on October 21st, so offer them your congratulations!