Issue #17
Monday, May 16th, 2005Idle Hands, Devil’s Workshop?
Ah… it’s closing in on summer here. The air is getting warmer, the kids are getting ready to get out of school, traffic has lessened on the local spaceways, and everyone is getting ready for some kind of relaxing vacation. But this year could be different. Many pilots’ vacations this year will be spent well, piloting. And with more piloting time? Schemes, ideas, plans in the making. That’s right, as the old saying goes, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. Some of the plans will be good, some bad. But we will likely see both in some form or fashion over the summer.
The real question gnawing on pilots’ minds, however, is what about the Guardians. What will they be doing this summer? Will they be spending time developing the universe around us, or will they have alternative areas of the universe they have to attend to? The Guardians haven’t quite answered that question (yet), but you will be the first to know when we find out.
Rangers Dismissed (by Hitman)
An era has ended. The Rangers are no more.
On the 11th of May the alliance of the rangers ceased to exist. According to reports, the leaders of the Federation had been closed up for several days discussing what to do with the ranger alliance after their rescinding of their status as federation defenders. At the end of the meeting an official communiqué was routed through the GNN network sorrowfully reporting the termination of the Ranger Alliance. Also according to the communiqué the Rangers where prohibited by law to break their treaty as Defenders of the Federation. The violation of the treaty resulted in the execution of many Ranger pilots.
This staggering blow to the federation’s most valiant defenders came as a surprise to many of its inhabitants. Even though there had been plenty of angry comments among the public demanding that the rangers take up their post as official defenders or end their alliance, most understood that the Rangers were the only defense against heavily armed ‘merchants’ standing at their doorsteps.
Apart from the economical loss, the federation stands with a much reduced defense force. Several star bases and military outposts have been dismantled. The Federation has suddenly become much easier for the more immoral souls to have their way. The most ominous part is the lack of MO’s guarding the entrance from the NZ.
This lack has caused some unrest among the merchants roaming the federation space. Some of the most frightened traders have even forwarded a suggestion that maybe the AWC would be interested in taking up the position as defenders since they now are the last alliance to declare allegiance to the federation. This suggestion has so far been turned down. Unofficial reports state that it’s mostly because of the lack of anybody with sufficient backbone among the Federation leaders to approach Paradis and his notorious Doomstar. A more realistic hope raised by more sensible traders is that the Ronin rangers establish a new guard force. However, the negative stigmas attached to the old Rangers alliance make this highly unlikely.
Regardless of the truth to any rumors the Tribune can only conclude that en epoch has ended with the cessation of the Ranger alliance.
Hard Chat (by Miguel Sanchez)
[The Tribune was lucky enough to have this tape forwarded to us regarding the pre-screening of “Hard Chat”. While most of these episodes never make it to my holo-player, this particular episode was rather interesting, so I had to forward it on to all of the Tribune readers. I’m also interested in how the official PDI rep enjoys hearing his local representatives talking for the PDI. And here goes:]
The TTN TV studio: In the middle seat, the blonde young GNN host Orovena Sirkovsky. On the right, a bald man in his fifties sits in his chair wearing his grey monk robe. On the left, an alien looking like a greenish
medusa, floats in a bubble of red gas.
Host: Good evening and welcome to the Hard Chat, the weekly discussion program on GNN. Tonight, we will discuss an important event that has taken everyone by surprise in the whole galaxy, the launch of the Second Crusade by the Pardusian Inquisition. I have with me Mr. Francois Villiers, Grand Master Inquisitor of Epsilon Eridani, founding member of the 25th Century Just Say No to Drugs Campaign, and in charge of Public Relations for the Crusade. Mr. Villiers, welcome to our show.
Villiers: Thank you. It is a great honor for me to be here tonight, and be able to evangelize the masses with the Truth. Because the Truth is that drugs are evil. Drugs destroy the mind, they annihilate society, and turn normal, functionning people in hapless, immoral, evil junkies ready to…
Host: Yes… we’ll have…
Villiers: …drugs are the evil cancer of our society…
Host: No, wait. Let me present your opponent first. Mr S’hhk Orrht, you are the representative of the Total Freedom Traders, also known as TFT, which you describe as an unofficial lobbying conglomerate of business interests active in the Neutral Zone. I hope I pronounced your name correctly *giggles*.
Orrht (agitates his tentacles, while a mechanical voice comes through a universal translator): Good evening. I must add that we also have business interests outside of the Neutral Zone, although our contacts with entrepreneurs in Federation and Empire space are understandably less keen for publicity because of the current oppressive laws and policies of both…
Villiers: Oppressive? You and your ilk are oppressive - enslaving millions of people daily, both in your Slave Camps and Drug Factories, killing them for no other purpose than producing drugs meant to enslave even more people, in an eternal vicious circle designed to increase your ill-gotten profits. I cannot…
Host: Mr Villiers, please. I have a question for you: the First Crusade was not really successful, was it ?
Villiers: Look, every single one of the evil buildings that were destroyed during the First Crusade was a resounding success for the Forces of Good in the galaxy. I think it’s very important to send these people a message that if you build a Slave Camp or a Drug Lab, we’ll be there, and we’ll be coming after you. So I think that the First Crusade was really quite successful in that aspect.
Orrht: Every one of the buildings that were destroyed during their foolish attacks was rebuilt afterwards, sometimes on the same exact spot. My opponent does not seem to understand the fundamental laws of economics: where there is demand for a product, a means of supplying the demand will be created. If you artificially lower the supply by destroying a few buildings, prices will increase, therefore attracting new suppliers. We have a saying in my core home cluster: when the pohkba touches its grorho, the za’nto laughs. Quite enlightening, no ?
Host: Err, yes, probably. Mr Villiers, how would you respond to that ?
Villiers: Well, I find it ironic that my little green friend over here is trying to teach us economics. At the same time, people are dying daily in the Drug Dens of his fellow criminals, and I’m more interested in people’s lives than in whatever profit drugs will get them on the black market. As far as I am concerned, the more drug prices increase, the better, since that means less junkies will be able to afford them, and consumption will decline. Which is of course a good thing.
Host: Mr Orrht, do your associates have any plans to organize a resistance against the Second Crusade ?
Orrht: Well, this matter has of course been discussed through our private channels. Let’s just say that the response will be proportional to any attack: we will not foolishly throw all our revenues into this fight, since we believe that adaptation is a better option than mindless aggression.
Villiers: Ha! What this means is that they aren’t willing to organize a defense because they’re just cheapskates unwilling to spend their profits for the common good… err evil. Well, that’s just what we need. Because we, the Holy Pardusian Inquisition, are willing to spend whatever it takes to rid the galaxy of this evil scum. Credits are not important when billions of lives and souls are at stake. But it’s not too late. You, yes even you, who have the gall to openly represent the worst criminals of the galaxy, can repent today, confess your sins, destroy your illegal buildings, and join us in our Holy Crusade.
Orrht: I’m afraid I will have to pass on that. But as far as saving lives, I have here an official report from the Galactic Red Cross documenting fifteen cases of attacks on buildings during the First Crusade that resulted in the death of at least five hundred and thirty thousand people peacefully working in the operation of these buildings, whether during the explosion of the buildings during the attack, or, and you will notice how ironical this is compared to the stated goals of the Inquisition, people were actually thrown out of airlocks in deep space.
Host: Mr Villiers ?
Villiers: I have read that report. It is just a collection of exaggerations put together with the help of drug addicts and sometimes even the former owners of these illegal buildings. And of course you cannot expect these people to have any kind of objectivity. So I consider that this report and others that I’ve heard of are just unsubstantiated rumors designed to weaken the vast public support that the Pardusian Inquisition enjoys at the moment. Obviously, special interest groups like the one this green slimy thing belongs to are the ones behind such attacks.
Orrht: If I could do it, I’d sigh heavily. As you see, there is no point in discussing with fanatics. The actual purpose of my visit here is to try to inform the public about this issue: people should think carefully about the consequences of this new “crusade”: Vast pointless destruction of private property, countless damages to local economies and the jobs associated with them, all for no more than a temporary reduction in output in the industries that I represent.
Host: We’re coming to the end of our show. One last question for you, Mr Villiers: what will be the objectives of the current Crusade?
Villiers: Well, obviously, our long-term objective is the complete destruction of all Death Factories in the whole galaxy, and of course we need to strike at the heart of their illegal trade. Despite overwhelming public support, we’re not getting help from either the Empire or the Federation, besides empty public pronouncements and miserably small bounties placed on theses criminals. One can only wonder at the level of corruption the drugs-peddlers have managed to introduce in both factions. But I am quite proud to announce today that one our prime objectives will be the newly constructed Dark Dome, a building that symbolizes all the evil that these criminals represent, and of which there is only one know. Well, soon there won’t be any.
Host: Mr Oorht ?
Oorth: Another empty threat, obviously. Let me just take this opportunity to offer your viewers some contact information to the Total Freedom Traders that may help business entrepreneurs interested…
Villiers: Oh no, you won’t! I refuse to let you…
Oorth: Allow me please. You can contact us…
Villiers: I SAID: NO YOU WON’T! I’m not gonna let some EVIL piece of green scum…
Host: Gentlemen, please…
Oorth: …PrivateAnonNetwork number 763…
Villiers: *draws a heavy blaster gun and fires three times at Oorth* : DIE, you evil alien drug dealer, DIE! DIE!
*The red bubble around Oorth bursts, and he crumbles in a puddle of green acid.*
Host: You bloddy fanatic maniac! He was breathing *cough* sulphuric acid!
Villiers: I don’t *cough* care! I cry with joy as I die as a glorious *cough* martyr of the *cough* Pardusian Inquisition!
Host: *cough* That is all for today. Next week *cough*, we’ll have a debate on the delirious effects *rrrhh-cough-cough* of violent video-games on young *cough* impressionable *cough* people *crumbles on the floor*.
Cooking Chronicles
Alf ala Carte
Serves 4
Ingredients:
- 16 ounce smoked Alf (Albino Space Worm)
- 1 can Tomato Soup
- 1 can Green Beans, partially drained
- Mashed potatoes, enough for family size
Directions:
Smoke Alf in a large skillet. Add tomato soup and green beans into skillet with sausage and cover. Simmer until heated through. Prepare mashed potatoes. Place sausage mixture over mashed potatos and enjoy.
(by Victoria Emma)
[Editor’s note: This recipe has been added against my better judgment. Any hunters looking to ‘process’ Alf for cooking in mass quantities will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. You have been warned.]
The NZ is Liberated!
The Tribune received a sneak preview of a new ship this week designed by an independent group of designers only known as “THE Designers”. The originality of the group’s name has many laughing, but nobody can laugh at the results: The Liberator. As the ultimate ship for unaligned pilots, the Liberator has the firepower to stop most pilots in their tracks. In addition, the cargo space in the Liberator makes it a decent trading ship as needed. However, the hefty price tag and experience requirement make it prohibitive except to the top pilots around the universe. While it’s quite an investment, there’s no doubt that the pilots that decide to make the commitment to get one will not be disappointed. They will be Liberated. The Liberator is scheduled to make its debut some time this week.
Did you know
… that to a Ska’rri, human tastes like chicken?
… that while shields can help minimize the effects of telerobbing, they can’t completely eliminate the possibility that something will get robbed.
… that one Hank Manly made Lord this week? Please everyone send a PM to Hank for this marvelous achievement. (for him anyway)
Alliance Shuffle
It’s been an interesting week in the universe this week. In addition to the previously disbanded Rangers, the universe has seen the creation of two new alliances this week. The Guild looks to be a peaceful trader alliance operating out of the Neutral Zone. Claiming Edbeeth as theirs, the guild looks to just want to make stay out of the way and make lots of money. The line of military outposts hope to keep out the riff-raff. Whether or not it succeeds remains to be seen. The other new alliance created this week is called Red Cell. Surprisingly little has been mentioned about Red Cell. Who they are and what they are about remains to be seen as well.
Tidbits
The Tribune would like to thank Hitman for accepting the position of substitute editor for the Tribune #19. We are looking forward to seeing what he can do.